Yami You Hurt Me So
by Secks Puppet
Summary: A parody making fun of angsty and sappy romance fics between the yami and hikari! So yaoiness ahead, if you really want to call it that. So read, review, and have a twisted good time! Ch 3: "Aw Jesus Christ."
1. Yuugi to Yami

Hey there peeps! This is an odd little parody of sad or fluffy fics about the relationship between the yami and hikari. So yes, these are all based on stories I read, and no, I can't remember the name of them, and who they're by. So, if you find these stories related to yours at all, remember there's 5/30000 chance of the story being based on yours. If you strongly believe the story is yours, please do not be offended. It's just a joke, and all in good fun. So have fun!

---

YAMI, YOU HURT ME SO

Part 1: Yuugi to Yami

An old lady sat in her rocking chair in front of a cackling fire with children surrounding her while she knit while a small tabby kitten played with the ball of yarn. Ah yes, it was one of those generic moments. How heartwarming and utterly disgusting those could be. Then, all of the sudden, a baseball flew out of nowhere, hitting the old lady square in the face!

"Now who 'da fuck did 'dat?!" The old lady screamed.

That… wasn't generic.

"Hey, old fart bag! We requested a story, and all you do is sit here knitting saying: 'Hmm… yes…' C'mon, we wanna hear a good one this time, make it good and se-"

"Shut up while I'm talking to you!" The old lady bellowed at the boy, whose name was Fritz.

"But old lady, you weren't talking to him-"

"Shut up and go stuff your head in the privy, Samuel!" Said boy sniffled and got up, and ran off, probably to accomplish said instructions.

"Now will you tell us a story, old cow?" A young girl asked, whose name was, in fact, Heidi.

"Okay, okay! Jesus, you children need to learn to respect your elders…" She cleared her throat. "So it all began like this…"

---

Yuugi sighed. How would he tell his yami? How would he break the news, and have them both come out happy. How could… Yuugi let his yami know they were out of celery! Again!

But that's beside the point. Yuugi had noticed his yami had become more withdrawn lately. They used to watch the stars, or the clouds, or the sun… together at least. Yuugi eventually lost 50 of his vision watching the sun, and couldn't stand bright light anymore. So much for being a hikari… Ehrm. Yuugi loves his memories, and would like to share some very beautiful, touching, and ingenious moments:

_-flashback-_

"_Woah. Take a look at that big ass star!"_

"_That's the moon, Yami."_

"_Oh."_

_-end flashbackNyyaaar! Vroom! Zoom zoom! Whoosh! -_(it would be better if you did NOT ask)

…

Well, anyway, Yuugi realized that after looking back on all of his precious memories, he loved his yami dearly. Narcissism! Woah. So, Yuugi mustered up what little courage he had and went to confess his feelings to his yami.

"Y-yami!" Yuugi screamed! "I! Have! To! Tell! You! Something!"

"Yes, what is it aibou?" Yami questioned, staring out at the sky. The clouds were so pretty today… oh look, a giraffe! And an airplane! And, what's this? Tokyo Tower!? Not again… that's the third time this week!

"I like you."

"…"

"…"

"I hate you," Yami said after a while.

"H-hate me?"

"I dunno."

"Then... why did you say it?"

"Spur of the moment thing. You know, sorta like PMS," Yami shrugged.

"I… see? Well, anyways I don't like you, I… I love you!"

"That's like totally kewl, yo." Yami cleared his throat. "However, I cannot return the feelings… My heart belongs to someone else!" He puffed up his chest.

"Oh… well who is it?" Yuugi asked, fidgeting.

"SETO KAIBA!" Yami half screamed. This must be totally importante! Like, muy bien! Oh no… Spanish! Evil language from hell… must die…! RAMEN! What!? Ah, insanity…

"Woah. I mean, WHY?! WHY YAMI WHY!?" Yuugi wailed, dropping to the floor, pounding the ground with his fists.

"Urk, I mean… its JOUNOUICHI!"

"THAT'S EVEN WORSE!" Yuugi cried, his sobs increasing by the minute. Everything was going as planned! Kidding!

"It's MAI! No wait… ANZU!" A very LOUD wail. "Ugh… MOKUBA!? HONDA?! RYOU?!…"

And thus, the noise increased, waking up neighbors for five miles around. I mean, everybody in that radius woke up! Anyone who claims otherwise is lying, and deserves a bite in the crotch. Well, for those truthful and yet disturbed people, they didn't realize it was random and meaningless declaration of love for random people. They of course, thought it was young Yuugi recording his infrequent orgasms, and overlapping them to create one big orgasm. The neighbors, however, did not know how many times Yuugi had had an orgasm, and were too frightened to stay for the finished product, shall we say? Thus, the people within that five-mile radius fled, beginning the two-day period of the Dark Ages for that radius. Those were troubled times indeed…

Well, as you can see, the neighbors play a… more intricate role in this tale than our two tri-colored haired heroes. So let's just leave it at that? No maybe not. That was too boring. Well, the hikari kept wailing, and the yami kept on naming names, and that went on until their sound boxes exploded, causing their lungs to fill with blood, eventually killing them. Oh and, how Yami knew so many names will forever be a mystery!

---

There was an odd silence.

"That story sucked nuts!" Heidi yelled.

"Shut up, bitch!" The old lady bellowed. "Don't make me sell you to the whore house! Remember what happened to Maria!?"

"C'mon old hag, spill us a good one!" Cried Fritz.

"Okay, okay! One more… I've gotta get back to sewing a noose…"

---

"Cookies!" Yelled Yuugi. He ran full throttle into the kitchen, but only to run straight into Yami, who was mysteriously carrying all of the cookies. The collision knocked both of them to the ground, causing the cookies to fly up and rain down on them! Oh, what a splendid sight!

"Hah!" Yami laughed. "That was hilarious!" Thus, Yuugi's paranoiac yami burst out into laughter, going through many, many stages. Firstly, there was the maniacal laughter. You gotta have the maniacal laughter! Then there was the silent cackling, followed by the fangirl laughter, followed by the manly hearty laughter, and followed by chipper giggling. And that was it.

"That wasn't funny, Yami!"

"Yes it was, aibou! Stop being so depressing!"

"I can't help it! The bouncy one always is targeted for the incredible depression!"

"Well, Jesus! Lighten up then! If you know you're going to die in two freakin' days, live them to the fullest!"

"Okay, Yami!" Said Yuugi, backed with enough sweet power to even make the biggest fluff supporters barf all over their keyboard! Well, after that, they just kept on laughing and laughing! They eventually died from lack of oxygen. The end.

---

"What kind of dumb ass story was that?" asked Fritz.

"Yea, and why do they always die in the end?" asked Heidi.

"Shut up, youngins!" The old lady screeched, rivaling the utmost screeching powers of a yaoi driven fangirl. "I'm just mocking sappy and depressing romance fics! That one was a parody on the ones that start out all happy, and end in tragedy! What, are you kids daft?! What the fuck do they teach you in school?"

"I'm baaaack!" Said the sing-songy voice of Samuel. "Did I miss anything?"

"No, just a load of shit! Right granny?" said Fritz.

"Oh fine, I'll make up for it! As long as you let me finish my god damn noose!"

---

Weeks had gone by since Yuugi discovered his hidden feelings for his own, special special special yami. I mean, this kid was 100 percent in love with him. It was totally ridiculous, yo! I mean, this kid would do anything for him! Anything! ANYTHING! Do you understand, ANYTHING!

Well, anyways, Yuugi had yet to tell Yami. Yuugi decided to muster up his courage and tell him tonight, after he was done his homework. Why after he was done his homework, because the little hikari was prepared, dammit!

So let's skip a few boring hours and fast-forward to when our little hikari was almost done his homework. The only thing he had to do was… pre-calculus! Oh man, that's pain! Pain in the glain!

"Yuugi, are you almost done your homework?" Yami asked, standing next to Yuugi.

"Yes, Yami. I just don't get my homework!"

"I'll do it for you!" Yami declared, pushing his aibou aside. Yuugi waited patiently as he watched his Yami scribble all over his homework. Yuugi didn't have a clear view, but he hoped it had something to do with his schoolwork. "Finished!" Yami cried, after a few minutes. He straightened up and beamed down at the paper, like it was his own child. Yuugi peeked at it, and was instantly horrified.

What was his neat homework looked like the aftermath of Woodstock! The first few problems were done okay… and were probably near correct. Then, he noticed the numbers started to go off into strange symbols, probably the number system of ancient Egypt. Well, those continued on for a bit, and near the last problem, the lines went totally off, forming a picture of the Dark Magician impaling a Blue Eyes, Change of Heart, and the Egyptian Gods with his staff! It was a rare sight indeed. At the bottom of the page were two figures that resembled Yuugi, holding hands. Then, next to it was some scribbled hiragana reading: I love you, aibou!

Yuugi felt tears sting at his eyes. It was so beautiful! "I love you too, Yami!" Yuugi cried, glomping his unsuspecting yami. Well, as you can imagine, things went… hot from there. Ya know, lip on lip, tongue on skin, body on body action! But we won't get into detail, there could be young children reading this!

It had been two weeks since Yuugi had his first orgasm, but not long since he had his forty-second.

"What are we going to do today, Yami?" Yuugi asked enthusiastically.

"Let's go fishing, koi!"

"Okay!" Yuugi bounced out the door of his yami's room to get changed. He was going to go fishing with his Yami! Why fishing?! You'll find out! But I'll tell you now, I don't even know! Anyway, Yami grinned at his cheerful koi as he left the room. Eventually, that grin turned to a malicious smirk, and some say they could hear a maniacal voice saying: "You're next, bait! Bwahahaha!"

---

A very long silence followed this tale.

"It actually had a point…" Heidi started.

"Up until the end." Samuel finished for her.

"Well, at least they didn't die in the end!" The old lady said. It was true, they didn't die!

"Well, if you read between the lines, Yuugi did!" Said Fritz.

"Shut up boy, before I get out the whip!" The old lady said, probably not meaning it, but it was effective.

Heidi yawned. "You owe us three more good stories tomorrow night granny!" she said, and stomped off to bed.

"Yeah, I'll see you in the morning," Samuel said, standing up, following Heidi.

"Remember granny," Fritz said. "Three more! And they better be good!" And off he went.

The old lady sighed. "Kids these days… ah, well, I'm almost finished my noose!"

---

And that's it! Well, just for those two. Next episode will be: Ryou to Bakura, so yay! But now, time for an inside look on each story, incase you didn't get it…

STORY 1: I read this really great fic once, and it was just like that, only Yami was just in love with Seto, and Yuugi commit suicide in the end. I decided to be fair and have them both die. Most of you are probably familiar with sad fics like that, where Yuugi isn't loved back by his yami… how sad! And because of that sadness, it was completely appropriate to do a parody on it!

STORY 2: Yeah, the generic lets make food scenario. The generic food gets ruined but we still have each other scenario. That was just about it for the beginning. Since I'm only doing three stories per pair, I molded two types of fics into this one. The ending was more incorporated with the fics that look happy and whee-ish, but instead, everybody dies in the end. What fun!

STORY 3: Oh, the homework, sex after homework, relationship after sex scenario is great. There are lots of homework trouble that leads to romance fics out there, so I decided to do one of those. The unsure hikari, the seductive yami, it's all good! Oh and the ending was taken from a video on Teehee1 I'm so bad.

THE OCS: The people made up in this chapter came out of nowhere, a spur of the moment thing. Sure, I could've thrown in a few Japanese names, but I wanted it to be Euro-generic instead. So that's what it is. And yes, the old lady doesn't have a name. And please don't be offended by the way she acts, it's just a spoof on how kind the grandmothers are in those generic Euro-movies.

Well, hoped y'all liked it, and please please please review! I need them to fuel my fires, so I can move onto the next chapter! Luv ya!


	2. Ryou to Bakura

I finally updated! Woohoo! This totally rocks! Anyway, I am in love with this chapter, and I hope you people enjoy it. I didn't get that many reviews though. Oh well, guess it's a lot more disturbing than I thought! Ahahaha- ok it's getting old. So read and review! And enjoy, more importantly!

-

YAMI, YOU HURT ME SO

Part 2: Bakura to Ryou

Once again, we join our favorite old lady and the three kind children in a warm and cozy cabin. And yes, they were reliving one of those incredible Euro-standard moments in which the old lady was sewing something that was probably already finished, but she's too blind to notice. And the kids are too busy reading books that are four reading levels higher than the kids can handle! And there was no absence of a small tabby kitten and the large roaring fire. Then, all of the sudden Fritz's book went flying right into the fire! The ashes were too large (because he was reading the dictionary) and came back down the chimney. They landed in the kittens mouth, causing it to choke and die!

"Dammit, Heidi!" Fritz yelled. "Why the fuck do you keep on doing that! That kitten actually had a chance, it survived here for more than a week!"

"But I didn't do it! It was Samuel!" cried Heidi.

"Shut up! It's always you!" Fritz screamed. Samuel, confused with all the yelling, began to cry because he had nothing better to do about it. Well they kept on yelling and wailing and making noise, until the old lady (whose face was covered by the blanket she was sewing, in which the blanket is already the size of the roof), showed her face! Her face was distorted with rage and almost purple! It was a sight rivaling that of Hulk's!

"Shut the fuck up!" The old lady bellowed. She jumped out of her rocking chair with such grace, it was hard to believe it was an old lady! But then again, it could be one of those anime-esque circumstances in which a soul is trapped in the wrong body! Like Yucie from Petite Princess Yucie! Or Motoko from Ghost in the Shell!

Well anyway, the old lady jumped up, and chucked the blanket into the fire, causing a huge eruption of flames! The room went silent. No one even coughed or not one herd of tumbleweed went by. And then out of the blue, an actual mini blue alien came out of no where! It carried a baseball bat, and started to beat the old lady in the knees!

"Ow! My knees! My knees!" The old lady cried, not faking the pain. Fritz, Heidi and even Samuel started to laugh. This went on for a while, until the alien ran away. The old lady plopped back down in her rocking chair, and the kids sat on pillows on the ground. A scarf materialized in front of the old lady, so she did the only thing she could, worked on it (she actually wasn't sewing, she was just making the motions to distract the audience from the kitten's carcass which was being dragged away by a heard of teenage mutant ninja rats)!

"Okay old lady," began Fritz, who apparently calmed down too much for his own good. "You owe use three new stories today!"

"Okay, okay fine," the old lady said. "But you youngins better not interrupt me, or I'll throw you all into the fires!"

"Shut up old hag! You're making Samuel cry!" Heidi said. On cue, Samuel sniffed.

"Shut up, I'll do whatever I damn please! Do ya'll want to hear the stories or not?" Silence greeted her. "Good… so it all began like this…"

-

Ryou sighed inwardly. It had been a week since he had been living alone with his endearing yami. Even after a week, it just goes to show how little he knew of the modern world. The other his yami asked him how to open the oven. It was odd, and stupid. But the world was stupid and that's beside the point.

Anyway, even after a week Bakura had gone a week without going to the bathroom. Despite the frequent inhalation of coffee and chocolate milk, he managed. But every spirit has to do their business once and a while, and today was that time. Before Bakura actually went, he wanted to learn to use the commodities in the washroom.

"Hey Ryou!" Bakura called quite rudely to his hikari, who was currently watching his favorite soap opera. Kids these days! I mean, soap operas? TV faux pas, like totally! "How the fuck do you use this white seat?"

Bakura could make out a sigh, and then heard his aibou coming up the stairs in rush. Bakura was unlucky enough to summon up Ryou right after the commercial break ended. "After you do your business, just push this handle. And then wash your hands, but you already know how to do that…"

"I'm confused!" Bakura said quickly, even though he really wasn't. Ryou sighed.

"Just go like so-" But Ryou didn't have time to finish his example. His yami pushed him down, forcing his head into the toilet! Bakura laughed and pushed Ryou's head down even farther! Ryou barely even struggled! Ha, what a sight to behold!

"Like this?" Bakura asked, pushing the handle down several times. He kept on pushing and pushing and pushing, until he got bored and realized Ryou wasn't struggling. He poked his aibou and then kicked him in the butt. Nothing happened.

"Oh shit, I killed Ryou."

-

"What kind of dumb ass story was that?" Heidi asked. "I thought it would have a nice ending! You know, where someone is potty trained! I love those kinds of stories!"

"Dammit, you kids are too demanding and high maintenance! I don't even want to hear it from you, on to the next story!"

-

"RYOU!" cried Bakura, as he emerged from the kitchen. Ryou looked up from his homework, knowing what was coming. He winced, when Bakura stormed up to him, glaring down on him.

"Yes, Bakura?" Ryou asked timidly.

"Shut up! Don't call me that!" Bakura screeched. "Call me master!"

"Y-yes… master," Ryou said, shaking.

"Wait! That's too cliché… Call me… YOUR HIGHNESS!"

"Okay, your highness-"

"Wait, I don't like it, call me… Too-good-for-anything-master-Bakura!"

"S-sure… Too-good-"

"Wait no, too long… Call me… Pimpin Dawg Bakura!"

"Ah yes, Pimpin-"

"Shut up! How do you humble me to that low level of scum, you female!" Bakura whipped out a paper fan, and started to attack his aibou. He laughed and laughed and laughed. In fact, his eyes started to bulge out of his head, he could probably poke someone's eye out with his own eye! Well anyway, he kept on laughing, hitting and bulging; and Ryou got so many paper cuts from that fan, he started to bleed!

"Ow! Stop it, Bakura! You're hurting me!" Ryou cried, a pool of blood forming from underneath him, caused by his vicious paper cuts.

"No dip, female!" Bakura yelled, as he kept on whacking poor Ryou. Well that went on for a while, until Bakura's Pop Tarts popped out of the toaster. Of course, they were badly burnt, but Bakura began to munch down. After he was finished, he went to check on his hikari, who was just stirring from his state of unconsciousness.

"Bakura, I love you," Ryou said pathetically.

"Whatever, you told me that a million times through our mind link. Ugh, That was gawd awful…"

_flashback…  
_

'_Bakura…'  
_

'_What.'_

'_Bakura…'  
_

'_What!'  
_

'_Bakura…'  
_

'_Oh for fucks sake… what!'  
_

'_IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou-'_

'_Dammit, shut the fuck up!'_

_end flashback…_

Bakura huffed at the memory, and hoisted his hikari up the stairs. He plopped him down on his bed, lying down right next to him.

"You want me to sing to you, don't you?" Bakura asked. Ryou nodded. Bakura cleared his throat and opened his mouth and…

_I believe I can fly…  
I got shot by the FBI…  
__All I wanted was a chicken wing!  
__2.99 at Burger King!_

"Okay, shut up Bakura!" Ryou yelled, silencing his yami. "I'm going to go kill myself right now."

"Okay, have fun."

Later that night, Bakura found his aibou dead on the floor! He died from unknown causes. The FBI didn't know if it had to do with the big gashes all over his arms, caused by a cleaver knife that has Ryou's fingerprints and blood all over it. It will forever be a mystery!

Oh, and after the incident, Bakura ran all the way to Yami's house, almost being hit by the same suspicious Circuit City truck three times. Well, when he arrived, he knocked on the door, and surprise! Yami opened the door! He was smoking pot.

"What the fuck do you want?" Yami asked lazily.

"Ryou died and it's all my fault! Kill me!"

Yami didn't even hesitate before he pulled a handgun out from his pants and shot Bakura in the head! He died instantly. Yami shrugged and walked back inside.

-

There was a very long silence.

"That was the worst story you ever told, old lady," Fritz said slowly.

"I thought it was good…" Samuel said. An even longer silence. The old lady cleared her throat, interrupting the casually annoying silence.

"Onto the next story…"

-

"Wake up Bakura!' Ryou yelled as he charged into his yami's room. "It's SNOWING!" He bellowed uncharacteristically. It was such a happy-go-lucky scene, but that was quickly interrupted when Bakura punched his hikari in the face! Ryou went flying out the window. And five minutes later…

"Wake up Bakura! It's SNOWING!" Ryou screamed. He barely opened the door when he ran out and shut it again. And we realized why when a huge cow went flying at the door! How Bakura managed to get the cow and fling it like a book is still unknown to this very day. But then again, it IS anime.

Well anyway, Bakura got up 36 hours later and got dressed. He went downstairs only to find his hikari watching TV. AGAIN. Bakura secretly wondered how Ryou could be so smart in school when he lost so many brain cells (whatever those were) from watching the evil box of doom.

"Wow, Bakura. You're up early. Why the sudden change?" Ryou asked bluntly.

"I heard it was snowing."

"Oh yeah, but it melted a long time ago."

"Oh, what a shame."

"Yeah it was so pretty!"

"Really?"

"Yeah…"

"It snowed a lot in Egypt."

"Really?"

"No."

An uncomfortably long silence ensued. In fact, it was so long that Ryou's dad came home from America, left (of course he was only back for one day), came back, and left again! And in that time TBS managed to play only one whole season of Sex in the City.

"You're so weak, Ryou."

"I know…"

-

"And the point of that was…?" Heidi started.

"There was no point dammit! Like I said, I'm only mocking things! It's a freakin parody! Get with it, youngins! Now, y'all better go to bed! Or I'll whip y'all!"

And off to bed they went.

-

STORY 1: Ah yes. The classic: 'teach yami's to use modern day commodities' is one of the most popular plot additions in fics these days. So I had to throw that in. The TV thing was about how the yamis and hikaris ALWAYS watch TV in those sappy fics. Oh and the end had to do with how Bakura always ends up 'accidentally' killing Ryou, and the major angst he has afterwards. And of course Ryou never complains when he's abused by his yami, he just sits there! I find that amusing. Kidding!

STORY 2: Oh my god, I love these kinds of fics. It's just sooo generic when Bakura starts beating Ryou, and Ryou STILL loves his dear yami. The singing thing is popular too, I see that a lot. Personally, I find it amusing. But that's just me and we know I'm twisted. Anyway, 50 percent of the time, Ryou kills himself, and Bakura like freaks out. I read a good fic like that, where Bakura made Yami kill him. Only he hesitated and freaked out after he did so… yea there's a difference.

STORY 3: Ah yes, the curse of the unfinished fic. Ya know how I feel? It's a damn good story and all of the sudden it just stops. It's never updated. Ever. I don't know, maybe people enjoy torturing us. But anyway, the generic snow setting '(too much of it I swear) and the TV thing. Yeah, oxymoron's in thousands of fics and no one realizes it. Oh and, hopefully many of you know there is waaaay too much Sex in the City. It needs to stop. "It's the show everyone's talking about!" Oh Jesus.

Oookay… so I hope that was enjoyable enough… Anyway, please please please review, I really need it so I can continue these wacky tales of randomness! So review people. It only takes like what, 6,7 seconds? Something like that.


	3. Malik to Marik

Gwar... well I have nothing to say, and don't feel like thinking about something to say so... let's just dive right in!

* * *

The old lady sat tranquilly by the fire side, contemplating her destiny. Ah destiny… little did she know what it had in store for her! Bwahahaha! Mwahahahaha! Nyahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAOMGPORNHAHAHA! Just kidding! Jkjkjkjk! LOL! OMG WTF LOL! BRB! TTYL CYA TTFN LYL! JK W/E! LMAOLMAOOMGPORNLMAO! ALTplusSHIFTbrrringYou'veGotMail25670MGP0RNAGA1Nspace334TABcapsLOCKCtrlaltDELETEcOmPyOvErLoAd! 

Ahem.

The old lady was still sitting tranquilly by the fire side and was still contemplating her destiny. As a simple house ex-wife and as a porn star. !O!M!G!P!O!R!N!

Anyway, the old lady's tranquil setting was rudely interrupted when her three favorite children came running down the stairs and onto their pillows in front of her.

"More stories." The kids said monotonously in an Arnold Shwartzomgporntinkagananegr voice.

"Ah dammit!" The old lady cried. "I was having fun on my (invisible) laptop! I was having nice conversations with my friends from the bingo club! And now you've ruined my time stealing cool IM icons! I'll make sure to kill these stories with my mad and unrivaled quick fine print reading talking skillz!"

* * *

"Doctor, what's the condition?" Marik asked. His weak little Malik had been sick for a month! Yea, Marik sure was getting tired of it. It really pissed him off when no one was able to bring him his beloved pink lemonade! 

"He's going to die in seven days!" The doctor declared. Wow, seven days? Like, the ring!

"Like seven days… or 7 days?" Marik asked.

"Just seven days."

"Like starting now or when you found out, which was a few minutes ago."

"Erm, I found out 3 hours ago."

"So he doesn't have 7 days to live, then?"

"No, he has seven days to live."

"But you found this out 3 hours ago?"

"That is correct."

"So then, he has like, 6 days and 21 hours?"

"If you want to be precise yes."

"But are you counting business days? Or 12 hour days?"

"Just… days."

"What if it's a leap year soon? It is Christmas time after all."

"I don't think that counts."

"Well, let's say it does. Does he have more or less time to live?"

"Just… seven days."

"I though we already established it was 6 days and 21 hours?"

"Dammit, just get out!"

6 days and 18 hours later…

"Hey guess what Malik, you only have 3 hours to live!" Marik said enthusiastically.

"That's not cool," Malik said tiredly.

"Yes it is! Dying is cool!" Marik proclaimed. There was a long silence. "Let's go outside and play in the snow."

So they went outside and played and played. They were having sooooo much fun, time flew past them! Well, it was the 32nd time Malik was going down the hill on his sleigh. He was having so much fun, he forgot all about his approaching death! Well, he was half way down the hill, when Marik noticed (him being at the top of the hill), Malik didn't look right. Suddenly, Malik slumped over, and flew off the saucer! He went flying and flying and flying and then…

FWUMP

"Aw Jesus Christ."

* * *

"That was like, a really bad version of ER," Heidi said nonchalantly. 

"I thought it was good. It had a plot, and wasn't sappy enough to make one barf all over themselves," Samuel said intelligently. Of course, this made no sense but nobody cares about that these days.

"True, but it was kind of stupid. Old lady, I think you're senile," Fritz said.

"Fuck you, kids! Dammit, what the fuck happened to respect your elders? You brats make me want to sew another noose…"

"You know, Malik, I AM a psychopath," Marik said out of the blue when they were watching TBS. Very funny.

"You always state the obvious, Marik, and it pisses me off," Malik said slowly.

"Dammit Malik! Always ruining my plans!"

_flashback_

"_Guess what, Malik! I'm going to stick a brick up Yami's dick (rhymex3) while he's sleeping!"_

"_Well I guess I'm going to have to stop you."_

"_Fuck!"_

_end flashback_

"Marik, I'll stop ruining your plans if you stop revealing them to me," Malik said.

"Shut the fuck up! What the hell do you know about secrets, you fool!" Marik screamed at him. Malik remained unfazed. Marik got sooo pissed off he banished Malik to the shadow realm! Isis cheered, while Marik proceeded to stick a brick up Yami's dick.

* * *

"Yeah… that was… pretty bad," Fritz said. 

"Shut up kids!" The old lady cried. "You don't know the first things about mocking good stories! You can go to hell! Now shut up while I get this last story over with. And if any of you so much as dare comment after this one, I'll hang you and sell your meat at the market!"

* * *

Malik swayed his hips sexily as he danced at a club. Yes, it was generic club where Malik is the sexy whore and adored by all. Then there's the new person who has no idea of what the fuck is going on around him. This person so happened to be Marik, who surprisingly looked like Malik. Somehow. 

Well Malik danced and danced. He was hit on by 23.46 females and groped by 7.62 males. Of course, he paid no heed to this, and kept on dancing like it was the end of the world. But then again, it IS Yu-Gi-Oh, and the world is always ending so…

ANWAY! Malik was sweating a lot now from all the dancing, and he just so happened to attract Marik, the infamous pimp from Egypt. So Marik waltzed casually over to him, and started grinding with him from behind! Of course Malik didn't care because he just _loooved_ to dance.

"Hey there sexy, want to mysteriously follow me home and then have wild sex in my small but erotic apartment?" Marik asked casually.

"Sure, I'm up for anything," Malik responded. So they did just that. Oh it was wild sex indeed! Of course, it was dark and Marik mysteriously had no lights in his house so they had no idea what they looked like.

When the sun rose, Marik walked into the kitchen only to find his partner making pancakes.

"Wow you look nothing like me," Marik commented.

"I know I don't," Malik said.

And from there, they had a pretty wild relationship. They partied every evening, had wild sex for 6 hours at 1AM, slept for 2 hours, ate breakfast, and had more sex. After that, Malik went to work at a porn shop while Marik stole tickets at the carnival and sold them on Ebay. Then they came home and 7; then ate dinner and went to the club.

This went on for exactly one month. One day, Marik was watching Malik leave for work from the window, since Marik left 30 minutes later. Malik turned to wave, but then all of the sudden, a mysterious blue alien appeared and pushed him into the street! Malik was hit by a Circuit City truck. Malik died slowly in Marik's arms, and there was major angst afterwards. But more importantly, Circuit City was sewed and they went out of business! Best Buy took all of their merchandise and store locations shortly afterwards. The very happy end.

* * *

"Comment and you die," The old lady said sleepily. And thus, none of the children said anything, so they went to their rooms and slept and had peaceful dreams of getting a 1 million-dollar shopping spree to Best Buy. 

Yes, I am fully aware that I have problems.

So that was bad… but the badder (not a word, who cares. You do? Fuck you.) the better. So yeah it was ok. The second one sucked. And the cut-scenes were just lame. But aside from that, I hope y'all liked it and found it somewhat entertaining. So here's the parody breakdown on each story:

STORY 1: Omigod, what is it with people and making Malik die from some terrible, unknown and totally made-up disease? It's getting old people. So yeah, that seemed appropriate to have fun with. Also, the ending was from this sappy fic where Malik wants to play in the snow before he dies. So instead of having him die at home, I made him die while he was sledding. Dip.

STORY 2: Don't ask about this one; there's not much to say. Hm… well to start off, the whole brick up Yami's dick thing was just spur of the moment. So the ending was the actually parody part (except for the whole TBS thing! Damn). Anyway, there was this crappy never-updated fic where Malik is banished to the shadow realm, and supposedly he's supposed to use love to get him out. The fic was never finished. Obviously.

STORY 3: LOL Omigawd my favorite story out of all the ones so far! This one was incorporated with a Kenshin fic as well, but it seemed appropriate. So as you can tell, the fic was entirely AU. I'm not really a fan, but it was a one-shot so hey, I couldn't resist. Anyway, a lot of AU fics portray Malik as this super sexy dancer that everybody knows and loves. Marik is just there. Somehow.

Okay, and that just about wraps everything up… oh and YES there will be one more chapter with everybody. Party time baby, w00t! So look out for the next chapter, which will be generically called: Yami You Hurt Me So! Okay. So review god dammit! I need them so I can get started on the final chapter, which will be so funny you'll be pissing in your pants! I think.

Or… I hope.

Just review, god dammit!


End file.
